Listen Corben mate, you know that for the last 3 and a half years your mum and I have managed to keep you alive via food and drink, and that we’ve also given you the best opportunity we can to explore the world from your own perspective. Jeez you’ve even learned some stuff.
You know the names of what feels like 20,000 cbeebies characters (Who are actually all Justin Fletcher!), you can communicate extraordinarily well, you can count to 10 and almost mastered counting to 20 give or take a 15. You know all the colours you’ll ever need to know, no-one cares what colour Auburn is. You have confidence to ask questions, you use your vast vocabulary correctly when explaining yourself. You can play imaginatively all on your own or include others, sometimes real people or sometimes your dinosaurs can pretend to be Lord Tumble. You can watch an entire episode of anything and then re-enact the entire thing as if you’ve studied the script for the past year. You can use a tablet and phone better than your Nanna! You can browse and find YouTube videos you fancy watching, you can unlock Mummy’s phone and ring Grandad, you even navigate Topsy and Tim’s car to the supermarket on their app/game. You’re kind, you show love, you’re a best friend and you’re honest mainly because you’re taught no other way to be. OK you have had the phases of nipping, biting, throwing, shouting, crying, spitting and washing your hands in the wee you had just done in your potty but who doesn’t do these things sometimes. Even as an adult some days it takes every ounce of energy I have to not shout, bite, nip and throw my urine at others!!
So already, we’re only 3 and a half years in and you’ve achieved all this by yourself. We’ve given you a little nudge here and there but you have to take it all in, that’s all on you mate. I’ve not even mentioned the fact you don’t quite wee and poo everywhere anymore, hardly wear a nappy, can feed yourself, undress yourself (Not dress…. Just UNdress!) walk, talk and all the usual things. It continues, you’re now also interacting well with people of all ages, kids your own age, slightly older and adults. You’re learning to share and take turns nicely, you’re catching the ball, sometimes, running faster, jumping higher, recognizing numbers, having favourite things, learning family relations like sisters, brothers etc, it’s pretty amazing all the things you’re doing. Your little mind is little only in actual size, it’s ever expanding and never needs to stop. Development at your age is vast, I say you’re 3 and a half because 3 doesn’t cut it, the last 6 months you’ve managed to grasp even more so every half matters.
So anyway, as I started, listen I have to tell you something. The incredible development you’ve shown so far is exactly that, incredible. However, you really need to step up the pace, what you’ve learned in the last 3 and a half years will have to work at double the pace over the next 3 and a half years. Think of it as learning 10 and half years worth of stuff in just 7 years. I know that sounds ridiculous and if you could comprehend stress, which you certainly will soon enough, you would certainly feel it but please don’t. You see your entire future, despite being so well developed already, does rely on a few tests you will have to take during these very young, short years of your life. A test is a bit like when I challenge you to catch Daddy when we run on the park, only when you start school these tests will be like having to catch me when I’m on a motorbike and I’ve tied your left shoe lace to your right. As I write this I can hear you saying “But I can’t do that Daddy”, you’re quite right son. And I can also hear you say “You said Daddy that I can do anything and never to say I can’t”, you’re quite right again son, if only I’d squeezed in 10 and half years worth of ‘knowledge’ in my first 7 years of life and continued in that manner maybe I could explain this bullshit to you without having to say bullshit.
I could continue all night listing the great and fantastic things you’ve achieved already, only you don’t know Algebra, inverted calculations and fractions yet so I’m afraid according to society mate you’re pretty shit. Hey, but don’t worry, there’s tonnes of rubbish people. Some when they get a little older do more tests and get numbers or letters to tell them if they’re good. Maybe if after 7 you have the mental strength to go again you can learn like, 10 years worth of stuff in the next 3 years and then you will get a good number that means you won’t be rubbish anymore. Who knows even further down the line you can do some more tests, surely by then you will know everything won’t you and then you can show people a really good letter next to the subjects you’ve taken, just in case you don’t already know, anything that’s not an A means you haven’t really been trying but you’re 3 and a half so probably already get the grading system don’t you. That’s just me being a ‘can do’ Dad though, in reality you will probably be average. Average is what you are if you’re not building rockets and working for the government or not taking drugs on a park bench. Somewhere in the middle of that is average. I’d say just aim for that, it’s actually alright, Mummy and Daddy are average and we smile a lot so must be OK. Oh and don’t worry about being kind, considerate and nice, there’s no tests at school for that.
Anyway you don’t need me to go on and on I just wanted you to be prepared. We will send you to school and they will prepare you anyway. They’ve got loads and loads of books and stuff that you can memorize and then if you’ve got a really good memory then who knows you might not be just average after all. School will tell you who to listen to, when to listen and they’ll even tell you what to say and when to say it so you really don’t need to worry.
So, do you have anything you’d like to ask about all this?
Corben – “Daddy just put the Hulk mask back on please”.